“My child doesn’t talk to me anymore.”
“They used to tell us everything, and now they barely come out of their room.”
“I don’t know if it’s just adolescence… or if something else is going on.”
These are some of the most common concerns I hear from parents during consultations. And they are completely understandable. Adolescence brings such profound changes that it can be difficult to tell the difference between what is a normal part of development and what might be a warning sign.
The good news is that not every change is a cause for concern. In fact, many of these changes are expected and necessary as teenagers develop their own identity. The challenge is learning to distinguish between typical adolescent behaviour and signs that deserve closer attention, while maintaining communication that supports rather than overwhelms them.
During adolescence, many parents feel as though their child has “become a different person.” Suddenly they want more privacy, question family rules, spend more time with friends, answer in one-word sentences, or seem less affectionate.
Many families interpret these changes as a loss of connection, and they can become a source of frequent conflict at home. Learning to manage our own emotions during these disagreements is just as important as understanding what our teenager is going through.
Teenagers need to create some distance from their parents in order to discover who they are. That doesn’t mean they no longer need their parents. Quite the opposite—they still need a secure base, even if they no longer show it in the same way they did as children.
Changes That Are Usually a Normal Part of Adolescence
Some behaviours may be challenging for families but are generally not a cause for concern if they occur occasionally and with moderate intensity.
For example:
- Wanting more time alone.
- More frequent mood swings.
- Valuing friends’ opinions more than those of family.
- Questioning rules or arguing more often.
- Becoming more private about thoughts and feelings.
- Changing interests, hobbies, or personal style.
Which Signs Should Raise Concern?
Rather than focusing on one specific behaviour, it’s important to look at whether the change is persistent and whether it is affecting different areas of your teenager’s life.
Some warning signs include:
- Progressive and persistent withdrawal from both family and friends.
- A noticeable loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed.
- Significant changes in sleep or appetite.
- A sudden drop in school performance without a clear explanation.
- Persistent sadness or irritability lasting several weeks.
- Increasingly risky behaviours.
- Expressions of hopelessness, worthlessness, or feeling that life has no meaning.
- Self-harm or any comments about wanting to disappear or hurt themselves.
These signs do not necessarily mean there is a serious problem, but they do suggest that it’s important to approach your teenager with curiosity and understanding, and to seek professional support if needed.
At Psicologia Infanto-Juvenil Mallorca we can help assess these warning signs and provide strategies to strengthen family relationships during this important stage of development.
The Most Common Mistake
When parents realise something doesn’t seem right, it’s natural to want to fix it as quickly as possible.
Often, however, that concern comes across as comments like:
“You need to get out more.”
“What you really need is to spend less time on your phone.”
“You can’t carry on like this.”
Although these comments are well intentioned, teenagers often hear a very different message:
“They don’t accept me as I am.”
“They’re trying to change me.”
This is when silence, arguments, or the classic “Leave me alone” usually appear.
One of the things I hear most often in consultation is:
“Every time I try to talk to my teenager, they shut themselves in their bedroom.”
When we explore how those conversations usually begin, we often discover they start with advice, questioning, or criticism.
As a result, the teenager prepares to defend themselves instead of opening up.
How to Talk to Your Teen Without Making Them Feel You Want to Change Them
Communicating with a teenager isn’t about finding the perfect words. It’s about creating an environment where they don’t feel the need to become defensive.
1. Start with observations, not assumptions
Instead of saying:
“You’ve been acting really strange lately.”
Try:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter than usual recently, and I was wondering how you’re doing.”
The difference is significant. One statement describes; the other labels.
2. Ask questions that invite conversation
Interrogations tend to shut conversations down.
Instead of asking a series of questions like “What’s wrong? Who were you with? Why did you do that?”, try open-ended questions such as:
- “How have you been feeling about everything lately?”
- “What’s been the hardest part for you recently?”
- “Is there anything you wish I understood better?”
3. Listen without preparing your response
One of the greatest gifts we can give teenagers is simply listening without interrupting. Not to convince them. Not to correct them. Just to understand them.
Often they don’t need immediate solutions. They need to know someone is willing to stay beside them, even without having all the answers.
4. Validate before giving advice
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing. It means recognising that their feelings make sense from their perspective.
For example:
“I can understand why that felt so frustrating for you.”
Advice can come later, once they feel understood.
5. Choose the right moment
Important conversations rarely go well when your teenager has just come home from school, is angry, or feels they’ve been cornered.
Many teenagers talk more naturally during a walk, while driving together, or when sharing an activity than during a formal face-to-face conversation.
There is a paradox in adolescence: the more independence teenagers seek, the more they need to know their parents are still there for them.
Not to control them.
Not to solve all their problems.
But to be the safe place they can return to when life becomes difficult.
Sometimes the best question isn’t:
“How can I get my child back to who they used to be?”
Instead, ask yourself:
“What do they need from me right now to feel supported?”
Because the goal isn’t to get your child back.
It’s to build a new relationship with the young person they are becoming.
One Final Thought
If you feel your child has changed, don’t immediately assume something is wrong. First ask yourself whether these changes are part of healthy development or whether they are accompanied by signs of genuine emotional distress.
And remember: even when teenagers seem unwilling to talk, they still need to feel heard, understood, and accepted.
Because, more often than not, the conversations that help the most are not the ones that try to change them, but the ones that allow them to feel accepted while they find their own way.
Arancha Lorente
Psychologist Col. Nº B-03674
