Separating as a couple does not always mean separating emotionally from the conflict. In many families, after a divorce or breakup, the relationship between the parents remains marked by tension, silence, constant arguments, or an inability to communicate. And although children may adapt to living in two homes, what is often most difficult for them to manage is not the separation itself, but the emotional climate that continues afterward.
Many parents come to therapy with a very specific concern: “My child is caught in the middle of all this, and I don’t know how to protect them.” Other times, another equally important question arises: “Am I doing something that is harming them without realizing it?” From our experience as child and adolescent therapists, these questions arise far more often than we might imagine, especially when conflict between adults continues for months or even years after the separation.
The reality is that children do not need perfect parents or ideal relationships. What helps them most is feeling that, even though the couple’s relationship has ended, they still have permission to love both parents without feeling guilty, divided, or trapped in the middle of the conflict.
The problem is not only the separation, but the position the child is left in
When there is hostility, constant blame, or a complete lack of communication between adults, children can end up taking on a role that does not belong to them. Sometimes they become messengers (“tell your father that…”), while other times they feel they must take sides or emotionally protect one parent from the other.
In therapy, we often see children trying to act as little mediators without anyone directly asking them to do so. Some try to “behave better” to compensate for the tension they perceive, while others learn not to talk about what they do with one parent in order to avoid uncomfortable reactions from the other.
This can happen in very obvious ways… or in much subtler forms.
For example:
- Sarcastic comments about the other parent in front of the child.
- Gestures of contempt or silence when the child talks about the other parent.
- Repeated questioning about what the other parent does at home.
- Making the child feel that enjoying time with the other parent is a betrayal (even if it is not said directly).
- Using the child to obtain information.
- Showing sadness, anger, or disappointment (verbally or nonverbally) when the child expresses affection toward the other parent.
In many cases, there is no conscious bad intention. Pain, resentment, or a sense of injustice can cause certain behaviors to appear without the adult being fully aware of their impact. In fact, one phrase we often hear in therapy is: “I have never spoken badly about their father/mother.” And many times that is true… but we also work on how children interpret not only words, but also silences, gestures, tone of voice, and emotional reactions.
What is parental alienation and why does it generate so much controversy?
The term “parental alienation” is debated in both psychological and legal fields. There is no full consensus on considering it a clinical syndrome, which is why many professionals prefer to speak about parental interference behaviors or alienating dynamics instead.
Beyond the label, there is a reality that is often observed in clinical practice: situations in which a child ends up intensely rejecting one parent as a result, directly or indirectly, of the other parent’s attitude.
This does not always happen consciously or in a planned way. Sometimes it is small, repeated messages over time that gradually build a negative image:
- “Your father never cares about you.”
- “Your mother abandoned us.”
- “You know how he is…”
- “After everything I do for you…”
In therapy, we also find more subtle situations, such as parents who do not make direct negative comments, but consistently express their suffering in front of the child. The child may end up feeling that they need to emotionally protect that parent, and gradually begin to distance themselves from the other parent in order not to cause harm.
The problem arises when the child no longer feels free to build their own relationship and instead begins to live under emotional pressure or conditioning.
How to recognize if we are unintentionally encouraging this dynamic
This is probably one of the most difficult parts. No one wants to think they might be harming their children. However, examining our own behaviors is an important way to protect them.
In therapy, parents often ask: “But then, am I not allowed to talk about how I feel?” And the answer usually depends on the place the child occupies in that conversation. Children can know that their parents are sad or angry; what is important is that they do not become emotional confidants for problems that belong to the adult world.
Some warning signs may include:
In young children (3–6 years)
- Repeating adult phrases they do not fully understand.
- Showing intense rejection toward one parent without a clear explanation.
- Sudden changes in attitude after overhearing family conversations.
In school-age children (7–11 years)
- Feeling they must choose “who is right.”
- Refusing activities with one parent in order not to hurt the other.
- Adopting very rigid views or perspectives that are not typical for their age.
In adolescents
- Taking very extreme positions.
- Becoming “emotional allies” of one parent.
- Taking on adult conflicts as if they were their own.
- Showing contempt or complete emotional blocking toward one parent.
As adults, it is worth asking ourselves:
- Can I speak about the other parent respectfully in front of my child?
- Does my child feel free to enjoy time with both parents?
- Do I ask questions that place them in the middle?
- Do I share emotions or problems with them that I should be managing with other adults?
- Am I seeking emotional support from my child?
These questions are not meant to induce guilt, but to help raise awareness. In therapy, we often emphasize this: feeling hurt by a separation is completely human; however, turning the child into an emotional refuge, even unintentionally, can end up placing them in a very difficult position.
How to detect if this situation is happening to us
Sometimes the other parent may be encouraging a dynamic of rejection or distancing. Some common signs include:
- The child uses expressions that are not age-appropriate when speaking about you.
- They seem uncomfortable speaking with you in front of the other parent.
- They reject contact without being able to clearly explain why.
- There is a sudden change in the bond after periods of time spent with the other adult.
- The child seems afraid of disappointing the other parent if they show affection toward you.
When this happens, many people come to therapy feeling desperate and with the sense that they are “losing” their child. It is an emotionally very painful situation. However, one of the most common mistakes is responding by entering into an open conflict with the other parent or trying to “convince” the child of who is right. Although emotionally understandable, this usually increases the sense of conflict even further.
What can truly help children in these situations
1. Separate the conflict from the parenting role
The couple relationship may have ended, but the parenting role continues. Children need to feel that both adults can take care of them without turning them into the center of the conflict.
2. Do not turn the child into a messenger
Although it may seem practical, passing information through children places them in an uncomfortable and emotionally heavy position.
In therapy, many children explain that transitions between homes are the most stressful moments, especially when they feel they must monitor what they say, how they say it, or what information they can share.
3. Validate their emotions without directing them
Phrases such as:
- “I understand this might be difficult for you.”
- “You don’t have to choose between mom and dad.”
- “You can love both.”
are often much more helpful than trying to convince the child of who is right.
4. Avoid interrogations
After spending time with the other parent, many children feel tense when they perceive they must “report back.” Questioning them can increase their feeling of being caught in the middle.
5. Maintain routines and stability
Especially in young children, predictability helps a lot. Clear schedules, consistent rules, and emotional stability reduce feelings of insecurity.
6. Be mindful of what we say… and what we communicate
Children perceive far more than words. Silence, facial expressions, gestures of contempt, or bodily tension also communicate.
In therapy, we sometimes work precisely on this: learning how to hold adult emotional distress without continuously transmitting the parental conflict to the child.
When seeking professional help may be important
There are situations in which conflict becomes chronic and begins to clearly affect family well-being. Sometimes children show intense rejection toward one parent, anxiety during custody transitions, emotional shutdowns, or difficulties expressing what they feel.
In these cases, psychological support can help to:
- Protect the child’s emotional space.
- Improve family communication.
- Identify harmful dynamics.
- Promote a healthier relationship between parents and children.
- Help adults manage the emotional impact of separation without placing children in the middle.
At Psicología Infanto-Juvenil Mallorca, we work with families going through conflict, separation, or co-parenting difficulties. From our clinical experience, we know that behind many challenging behaviors there are children trying to adapt to complex emotional situations. If you feel your family is going through a difficult dynamic and need professional guidance, we would be happy to help you find tools to support your children’s emotional well-being.
