Dear teenager, young man or woman:
Before you get scared, I want you to understand that there is nothing wrong with watching series or movies with erotic content. On the contrary, it is an incredible way to stimulate our desire. However, we must be careful, since the idea of love and sexuality that they sell us is NOT REAL.
And yes, I put it in capital letters because, as we will see below, they are full of exaggerations, myths and ideas that are far from reality. The problem comes when we take the plots of these movies as references, thus setting the basis of what will be your expectations in sexuality and relationships.
Perpetuating myths about love or sexuality leads to an idealization of them, and consequently causes or facilitates the normalization and forgiveness of aggressive behavior, whether physical, psychological or sexual. In other words, they encourage risky relationships and make it difficult for young people to establish healthy affective-sexual relationships.
Adolescence is a time of development in which there is greater exposure and vulnerability to these myths, since it is a time of development in which identity is being established and in which different relational dynamics are practiced.
Let’s take a look at some of the most watched movies of recent years on digital platforms and let’s unpack a bit of their plots:
AFTER: boy (rich, handsome and with traumas) meets innocent girl in college. He wasn’t into serious relationships, but with her he is. He treats her badly and she forgives him. He discovers her passionate sex.
MY FAULT: boy (rich, handsome and with traumas) who was not into serious relationships, but in he falls in love with his stepsister (watch out, this one, on top of that, has “incest” morbidity), an innocent young girl. Again, he treats her badly and she forgives him. He discovers her passionate sex.
365 DAYS: boy (rich, handsome and with traumas) who, after being shot, sees a woman who he falls in love with and the day he meets a similar woman, he kidnaps her and tells her that he will keep her kidnapped for a year so that she will fall in love with him. She falls madly in love with him. He discovers her passionate sex.
THROUGH MY WINDOW: guy (rich, handsome and with traumas) who was not into serious relationships, but falls in love with his neighbor, a young innocent girl who has been in love with him for years. Again, he treats her badly and she forgives him. He discovers her passionate sex.
Super different, right? I should have dedicated to writing movie scripts because, it seems you don’t need to be very original. Good girl falls in love with bad boy and bam, you have a guaranteed successful movie. The truth is that the years go by, but the content of the movies does not.
They are all sex gods and the girls, all look like they have never been seen as desirable (which is not very believable because they are all beautiful; however, until the main character notices them, they are painted as “undesirable” women). Protagonists who seem strong and empowered women (they always send them to hell first) but who in the end fall in love with a person who doesn’t treat them well.
But of course, they are not “bad bad guys”, they are bad for a reason, they always have a trauma. And of course, apparently bad men only need the right woman to make them good. No matter how they treat you, you have to forgive them. Traumas vary from: my parents have separated, my father is a workaholic and doesn’t care about me, I have witnessed an infidelity in my house, I have been abandoned or a relative has died…
Fiction is fiction and there is nothing wrong with that, if it is seen as fiction. The problem comes when these movies become the reference for young people and perpetuate a series of toxic messages and myths about relationships and sex. This happens subliminally, of course. No one watches a movie and thinks “this is reality and I want exactly the same thing”, however, when the same message is given over and over again from childhood, one ends up (unconsciously) replicating behaviors and models.
Let’s look at the main messages these movies send to young people and the myths they contain:
PROVOKING OR BEING PROVOKED INTO JEALOUSY IS THE BEST WAY TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE IS INTERESTED IN YOU.
In all the movies described, jealousy is used as a proof of love. There is no movie in which one of the two is not unfaithful to his/her partner or tries to get his/her attention by hooking up with someone else in front of him/her.
Well, jealousy is not an expression of love, but of control. If you want more attention from your partner or want a demonstration of love, there is a much less toxic way to get the message across, it’s called communication.
TREAT THEM BADLY AND THEY WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE A TOUGH GUY AND THEY WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. ONLY IF YOU ARE RICH AND HOT, THOUGH.
Notice that none of the men in these stories are average guys, why? Because in that case, it would be harder to sell the idea that you have to forgive him everything. But in love, you don’t have to forgive everything, no matter if he is an Apollonian god sculpted in marble.
No one should treat anyone badly, and even less to show romantic interest. If someone treats you badly to indicate that he likes you… Well, I don’t see a bigger red flag than that.
OF COURSE YOU CAN, HONEY. YOU CAN CHANGE IT. BECAUSE WITH LOVE, ANYTHING CAN BE DONE.
Women are sold the idea that our job is to “tame” the man we are with and through love bring out the teddy bear in him.
Let’s simplify, if someone doesn’t treat you well, they don’t respect you. At the beginning, during or at the end of a relationship.
I’M 15 YEARS OLD AND I’M A SEX GOD.
I even find this funny, because who is a sex expert at fifteen years old? No matter how much you have fucked (and let me doubt it) you must have done it with people as inexperienced as you.
This idea that “good sex” is achieved by doing many positions, many different sexual practices and trying “hardcore” things, is a lie.
To have satisfactory sex and become experts of our own body, the first thing is to know ourselves well, to know what we like and thus be able to guide our sexual partner(s) to collaborate in our enjoyment; to have the comfort and confidence to be able to express when something pleases me, does not please me, hurts me or makes me uncomfortable.
I want to clarify that there is nothing wrong with trying new things, if you do it because you feel like it, not because of the pressure that “if I do it, it will seem like I know better” or because we think that, if we don’t do it, we are not “satisfying” our sexual partner. Your job is not to satisfy anyone, but to enjoy yourself. Each of us must take responsibility for our own pleasure (without being selfish) and communicate with each other.
Also, let’s not forget that the passion we see in the movies is typical of the first stage of love, falling in love. And this should not create the false expectation that all the relationships we have with our “true love” are going to be super passionate and explosive. Besides, you can have very good sex without the need for so much roughness and speed.
YOU KNOW HE/SHE LOVES YOU A LOT BECAUSE HE/SHE GOES AROUND HITTING PEOPLE FOR YOU.
If someone is violent, it only shows one thing: difficulties in emotional management and expression. No one should fight for you. Violence is not necessary to show support.
And of course, if the violence is out of jealousy, run away. We are not lions in North Africa competing for the female in heat. No one is anyone’s property and you should be able to choose who you want to be with, and if it is not with you, accept it and move on, because otherwise you are failing something basic: respect for my partner.
POOR THING, HE IS A TORMENTED SOUL. HE’S A GOOD PERSON AT HEART. DON’T HOLD IT AGAINST HIM.
I think this is the one that makes me the angriest of all. They are never bad just for the sake of it, there is always a reason behind it. Because of course, being resilient and affectionately responsible in movies doesn’t sell much. You have to be bad, but with traumas, because, deep down, he would never treat her badly. He just hasn’t found the right one, besides, what’s the point of “deep down” being a good person if on the surface, that is, he treats his partner badly at times?
In love, not everything is ok, and not everything must be forgiven. Have you ever heard “don’t love me so much, love me better”? Well, that’s what we want in a couple: balance, respect, communication, support and affection.
Perpetuating these types of messages and roles in the relationship can result in creating a toxic relationship model in which:
- We do not communicate assertively.
- We control our partner as a result of our jealousy.
- We normalize violence as a sign of love.
- We show hypersexualized behaviors at a very early age.
- We maintain the idea that sex is something easy and always intense (passion over intimacy).
- We accept and normalize psychological and sexual abuse.
- Relationships are always passionate and ideal.
- It is normal in a relationship to have serious disagreements.
- Love can do anything.
- We show little tolerance for frustration – “I can’t find anyone who loves me as intensely as in the movie”.
If we remove this critical eye, I insist, fiction is fiction, and if we keep in mind all of the above, these movies are just as entertaining as any other and can also have an exciting effect on those who consume them.
I would like to finish by making some recommendations of series that have a more realistic and educated message about sex and relationships such as Never have I ever or Sex education.
Júlia Tarancón Estades
Psychologist Col. No B-3232
