What are tantrums from the perspective of psychology?
Childhood tantrums are intense emotional expressions that arise when a child is facing a frustrating situation or when their wants and needs are not met. These outbursts of anger, common in children between the ages of 1 and 4, can include crying, screaming, kicking, and in some cases, physical aggression or even vomiting. Although they typically occur in this age range, they can appear earlier and disappear later.
From the perspective of child psychology, tantrums are a form of pre-linguistic communication and a natural manifestation of a child’s emotional and cognitive development. As they are immature forms of expression, they reflect the child’s inability to correctly communicate their needs or concerns, their low tolerance to frustration and their difficulty in controlling emotions. They are a normal stage of child development. As children grow and develop verbal and self-regulation skills, the frequency and intensity of tantrums tends to decrease.
In addition to the more familiar behaviors, such as yelling and hitting, children may sometimes hold their breath instead of crying, which is more alarming for parents. In these cases, the child takes a strong breath, retains the air, turns red, then purple and, in some cases, may fall.
Why do they occur?
Tantrums can have multiple causes, including:
- Frustration: young children often experience tantrums when they can’t perform a task on their own, when they don’t get what they want, or when they feel like their parents don’t understand what’s happening to them. A lack of skills to express their needs and emotions verbally can add to this frustration. In this case, it is very common for frustrations and emotional conflicts to appear in relation to their siblings. To learn more, you can consult the following blogs: “Dethroned Prince Syndrome” and “”Jealousy between siblings“”.
- Desire for independence: as children grow, they develop a natural desire for independence and control over their environment. Tantrums can arise when children try to assert their autonomy in the face of limitations imposed by adults.
- Lack of communication skills: children who have not yet fully developed their verbal communication skills may turn to tantrums as a way to express their needs and wants.
- Fatigue, hunger, or discomfort: a child’s physical and emotional state can also play a role in tantrums. A tired, hungry, or uncomfortable child is more likely to have a tantrum.
- Satisfy desires: with tantrums, the child tries to get attention in order to satisfy his desires, so these will be favored if the behavior of the parents consists of giving in to their requests since the child will see his objectives fulfilled.
How can we manage childhood tantrums?
Managing childhood tantrums involves a combination of proactive and reactive strategies:
- Discover the reason: the first step to manage a tantrum is to try to find out what the reason is, to know why our child may be reacting this way.
- Stay calm: during a tantrum, it’s critical for parents and caregivers to stay calm. Responding with yelling or punishment can escalate the situation. It is important to model calm and controlled behavior.
- Do not try to dialogue when it arises: do not try to dialogue in the peak phase of anger (only when it has calmed down and can listen to us). The only thing that trying to dialogue with them while he is in the middle of a tantrum will do is make it intensify. We must let him calm down so that we can talk to him or her.
- Validate the child’s emotions: Recognizing and validating the child’s feelings can help defuse the situation. Phrases like “I understand you’re angry because you can’t have that” can be helpful.
- Give strategies to control their emotions: one way to make tantrums decrease is to offer some strategy so that they can regulate their emotions when they are calmer (squeeze a soft doll tightly, go to the room or to a “calm” corner…).
- Distract and redirect: During a tantrum, it is sometimes helpful to redirect the child’s attention to another activity or toy to defuse the situation.
- Do not give in to requests: do not give in to their requests with a tantrum (other than your “language” to ask for things). Although feelings of guilt may appear, this point is very important, because if the child ever finds that with the tantrum, he gets what he wanted, he will probably use it as a strategy on future occasions.
- Talking and reinforcing once calmed: once the child has calmed down, it is important to talk to them and positively reinforce the fact that they have calmed down. Avoid lecturing and instead praise their ability to calm down and talk calmly about what occurred, offering alternatives for managing their emotions in the future.
How can we prevent them?
We can distinguish two moments when it comes to preventing tantrums. As we have said, this is an evolutionary stage of development so, on the one hand, from the beginning of this stage we can apply the following strategies continuously for the duration of this phase:
- Establish clear routines and boundaries: kids feel safer when they know what to expect. Establishing daily routines and being consistent with rules can reduce the incidence of tantrums.
- Teach communication skills: encouraging language development and providing children with the words they need to express their feelings and needs can help reduce tantrums.
- Reinforce good behavior: rewarding and recognizing positive behavior can be more effective in the long run than punishing negative behavior. We can read more about it in “Punishment and its impact on children and parents”.
- Work on frustration tolerance: as we mentioned earlier, developing frustration tolerance is critical to helping children manage tantrums effectively. This involves gradually teaching them to accept situations that they cannot control or that do not meet their immediate expectations.
On the other hand, the moment before the tantrum, we can use other strategies:
- Detect the first signs: detect those signs or situations that precede the tantrum (if they are tired or hungry, if we go to a place they hate…) and anticipate how we can act before it arrives (offer them a relaxing bath, listen to calm/lively music or eat something, offer them a distraction, treat the situation with humor…).
- Be a little more flexible: also, to make it easier to accept the rules without modifying our own limits we can be a little flexible in some situations (e.g.: they must eat what they do not like before playing, but it is okay if they do it with their hands; they have to leave the house warm in winter, etc.). but nothing happens if he does not initially put on his gloves and hat…). Many times, the rules we impose have different levels of importance and we can play with them so that the child progressively accepts them without tantrums or lighter anger.
- Enhance positivity: help with other positive stimuli to facilitate acceptance (e.g.: I understand that you want to stay longer in the park playing, but we have to go home now; mom will be waiting for us and will be able to read you your favorite book).
- Propose alternatives: proposing alternatives whenever possible can also be a good strategy (e.g.: now you can’t do this, but you can do that…), and propose the “rule or norm” in an affirmative way, without using a “no” (e.g.: “when you do those we can get out” instead of: “if you don’t do that you won’t get out”).
When should a psychologist be consulted?
Although tantrums are a normal part of child development, there are times when it can be helpful to consult a child psychologist:
- Extremely frequent or intense tantrums: if tantrums are very frequent, prolonged, or extremely intense, it may be a sign that the child needs extra help managing their emotions.
- Tantrums that significantly affect daily life: if tantrums significantly interfere with the daily life of the child or family, it is advisable to seek the opinion of a professional.
- Dangerous behaviors: if during tantrums the child hurts himself, others, or destroys objects on a regular basis, it is important to seek professional help.
- Lack of progress: if, despite implementing management and prevention strategies, there is no improvement in the child’s behavior, it may be helpful to consult a child psychologist.
In conclusion, childhood tantrums are a normal stage of development that, with the right strategies, can be effectively managed. However, in cases of unusual intensity or frequency, seeking help from a professional can be beneficial to the well-being of the child and family.
Laura Maymó Gallurt
Psychologist NºCol. B-03427
