“I didn’t know how to tell them.”
Sometimes that moment catches you anywhere: in the kitchen, in the car, just before bedtime… and you think it’s not the right time or place, so you put it off for another day, hoping that tomorrow you’ll find the perfect way to say it.
Because there are conversations no one wants to have: telling a child that someone has died, that mum and dad are no longer going to live together, or that something important is going to change and they didn’t choose it. And yet, that moment comes, and there’s no plan or script to follow.
When the adult is also affected
Before thinking about how to tell them, there is something important that is almost never said: you’re not okay either.
Usually, when you have to give bad news to a child, it is because something has happened that affects you too. It hurts, you’re afraid of doing it wrong, of saying something that might mark them or traumatise them, or of not knowing how to handle what comes afterwards. And with all that on your shoulders, you have to sit down in front of them and explain something you have not fully processed yourself. That’s why we often delay it, overthink it, or soften it so much that it ends up being confusing. But children do not need a perfect speech, what they need is an adult who is present and available.
Considering their age and how they understand the world
You have probably heard more than once: “He is too young, he won’t understand.” It is important to realise that children pick up far more than we think. They feel and perceive what is happening, but not in the same way as adults. Their way of thinking and understanding the world is different, which is why they need explanations suited to their age.
With younger children, information should be very basic, concrete, and repeated if necessary. They find it hard to process a lot of information at once, so it is better to have short but frequent conversations, as many times as needed.
As they grow older, we can give them slightly more detailed information, and it probably will not need to be repeated as often. Especially during school age, they begin to be more exposed to outside information: things they hear at school, on television, or from other children. In those cases, it is important to help them make sense of it and understand that sometimes bad things happen, but that does not mean they will happen to them. And above all, that adults are there to protect them.
How should you deliver the message?
And now comes the big question: “How do I tell them in the right way?”
As we mentioned before, you do not need to have the perfect words. What really makes a difference are several important factors:
That the news is delivered by someone they trust.
Ideally, this should be the person or people closest to the child, who are in a reasonably stable emotional state so they can communicate the news calmly and in a way that meets the child’s needs.
Be honest and do not “soften” it too much.
Use simple, clear, and honest language. You should never lie, but the amount and type of information should be appropriate for the child. It is not about bluntly stating the truth without care, but neither is it about disguising it until it loses its meaning.
Sometimes we use phrases like: “They’ve gone away”, “they’re asleep”, “everything will be fine”. We do it to protect them, of course, but we often achieve the opposite because over-softening creates confusion. If we say someone is asleep, the child may become afraid of going to sleep in case they don’t wake up. If we say “they’ve gone away”, they may wait for them to come back.
With topics like death, for example, it helps to use explanations they can understand: that the body has stopped working, that they are no longer breathing, that they do not feel pain anymore… If you have religious beliefs at home, these can be included, but without replacing the basics. It is also essential to make something clear that is difficult to say but avoids a lot of confusion: “we’re not going to see him/her again”.
Make space for emotions (theirs, but also yours)
Children do not just listen to what we say, they also observe how we say it, how we look at them, whether they can ask questions, whether they can cry… this is an opportunity for them to learn something very important: that it is okay to talk about what hurts and that there will be someone there to support them during these moments.
After telling them, anything can happen. They might ask endless questions, say nothing, get angry, or start playing as if nothing has happened. All of this is to be expected. What matters here is to talk with the child about what has happened. Ask them how they feel and help them put words to their emotions: sadness, fear, anger, confusion. Phrases like: “What you’re feeling is normal”, “I feel like that too”, “You can ask me anything” show them they do not have to deal with this alone. And yes, you can also say “I don’t know” when you do not have an answer. That, too, is part of being there for them.
Difficult questions and how to hold them
“And are you going to die soon?” Behind that question there is not curiosity, there is fear. More than giving a long explanation, what matters is reassurance: “I’m okay right now, there’s no reason for me to die soon. I’m here with you.” Children are not looking for absolute certainty; they are looking for emotional safety.
The adult’s balance: feeling without becoming overwhelmed
You can show sadness and you can cry if you need to. In fact, it is positive, because it shows that it is okay to express and feel difficult emotions. However, it is very important not to become overwhelmed, so the child does not feel is losing his/her main source of security or that has to take care of you. It is not about hiding the pain, but about ensuring the child still feels that, despite everything, someone is holding the situation together. It is about showing that it hurts…and that we keep going nonetheless.
Specific situations: Parents separating
If possible, the ideal situation is for both parents to share the news together, with a clear and agreed message, without unnecessary details, blame, or conflict. You might say something like: “Mum and dad aren’t happy together anymore, and we’ve decided to live separately. But we both love you very much and we will continue to take care of you.” It is important to say this when the decision is final, not during moments of doubt. It is also helpful to anticipate changes, while still providing reassurance: there will be changes, yes, but they will not lose love or care. You can read more about how to help children in case of divorce.
What about afterwards?
We often think the most important thing is that moment. But what really matters comes afterwards, because telling bad news is not a single moment, it is a process. The child will gradually understand, at their own pace, and will come back to you more than once with new questions. That is when you truly support them.
Pay attention to how they react over time and remember that just because they say nothing does not mean they are not feeling anything. Encourage them to talk by asking from time to time how they feel, but without forcing it. If they feel supported and in a safe space, they are much more likely to share their worries and emotions.
If you do not know how to break bad news to your child or a loved one in your family and think we could help, do not hesitate to get in touch with us. We will be happy to support you through this process.
And remember, what matters is not doing it perfectly. It is about being present, supportive, and honest. Bad news explained poorly can create confusion or insecurity, but bad news that are well supported, even if not perfect, teaches something very valuable: difficult things hurt less when we go through them with someone by our side.
Aina Fiol Veny
Psychologist Col. Nº B-02615
