Imagine a girl who always has her homework impeccably done, who never raises her voice or questions her elders, who is always willing to help and who seems to have no problems. At first glance, she might seem like the perfect daughter, the model student, the ideal friend. However, behind this façade of perfection, an internal battle may be hiding.
Child and adolescent psychological development is a process influenced by a variety of social, emotional, and cultural factors. Social expectations, in particular, play a fundamental role in the formation of children’s identity and behavior. In this context, the “good girl syndrome” has been identified, a phenomenon that predominantly affects girls, leading them to adopt behaviors and attitudes aimed at meeting the expectations of others.
What is good girl syndrome?
Good girl syndrome refers to a pattern of behavior in which girls feel compelled to be perfect, obedient, and agreeable in order to meet the expectations of their parents, teachers, and society at large. These girls strive to be seen as “perfect” and avoid any conflict or situation that could lead to disapproval. This syndrome arises from a combination of cultural and social expectations that value certain behaviors in girls, such as docility, kindness, and conformity. The result is behavior that constantly seeks external approval and avoidance of conflict, often at the cost of the girl’s emotional and psychological well-being.
The symptoms that characterize this syndrome are:
- Excessive perfectionism: girls with this syndrome seek to perform all their tasks and responsibilities impeccably, fearing to make mistakes. This perfectionism can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety.
- Dependence on external approval: Their self-esteem is closely tied to validation and recognition by others, making them vulnerable to criticism and a lack of positive feedback.
- Fear of conflict: they avoid any situation that could lead to confrontation or disagreement, preferring to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means repressing their own wants and needs.
- Difficulty saying “no”: They have difficulty setting boundaries, which can lead to an overload of responsibilities and feeling overwhelmed.
- Excessive self-demand: they set high standards and punish themselves severely when they feel that they do not comply with them. This self-demand can manifest itself in constant internal criticism and feelings of inadequacy.
- Emotional exhaustion: girls with this syndrome often experience emotional exhaustion due to the constant pressure to meet expectations and maintain a perfect image. If this wear and tear is maintained over time, it can lead to depressive symptoms. In the blog “Children also suffer from depression” there is more information about this phenomenon.
What causes good girl syndrome?
The causes of good girl syndrome are multifactorial and include:
- Social and cultural expectations: traditional gender norms that promote obedience and exemplary behavior in girls. These norms can be transmitted through the media, education and family expectations. Girls are labeled under these gender norms and behave in such a way to comply with them. To learn more about how labels affect emotional development, you can consult the blog “The danger of putting labels on children“.
“Girls should always be kind and helpful”
“An educated girl does not raise her voice or contradict adults”
- Family dynamics: parents and caregivers who reinforce, directly or indirectly, the need for perfection and complacency. This can include overvaluing academic achievement and good behavior, and criticizing or disapproving of imperfection.
“Why can’t you be more like your sister? She always gets
good grades and never gets into trouble”
“When you behave well and obey without complaining,
everyone is happy with you. That’s what we expect from you”
- Role models: the observation of adult figures who display similar behaviors and receive recognition and approval for it. Girls can internalize these behaviors by seeing them rewarded.
- Early experiences: situations in which girls have been rewarded for behaving “perfectly” and punished or disapproved of when they don’t. These experiences can solidify the belief that their worth is tied to their perfect behavior and ability to satisfy others.
- Traumatic situations: Girls who have experienced traumatic situations, such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, may develop good girl syndrome as a coping mechanism. In an attempt to prevent further abuse or to gain a sense of control in a chaotic environment, these girls may strive to be “perfect” and to please others. The need to be seen as impeccable and obedient can be a way to protect yourself and manage the anxiety and fear resulting from trauma.
Can this phenomenon occur in children?
Although good girl syndrome is most often seen in girls due to gender norms, boys can also experience a similar phenomenon. In the case of children, the pressure is usually oriented towards meeting expectations of academic and athletic success, and showing emotional strength without expressing vulnerability. Although the manifestation of these symptoms may differ due to differences in gender norms, the root of the problem is the same: the pressure to meet external expectations at the expense of personal well-being. Children who experience this syndrome may show symptoms such as perfectionism, anxiety about external approval, and fear of failure.
Is there a test to identify it?
Apparently, this syndrome is asymptomatic, which can cause parents to not notice or deny the problem. This syndrome is characterized by supposedly positive behaviors such as perfectionism, complacency, and the desire to avoid conflict, which are often interpreted as signs of good behavior. However, behind these behaviors there may be underlying anxiety and excessive internal pressure to meet the expectations of others.
Currently, there is no standardized and widely accepted test specifically for good girl syndrome. However, psychology professionals use assessment instruments to assess childhood perfectionism and anxiety. These tools allow us to identify patterns of behavior and thinking that could indicate the presence of good girl syndrome, even when these are not obvious to the naked eye.
What is the treatment?
Treatment of good girl syndrome involves a comprehensive approach that includes individual and family therapy. The goal is to help girls break free from the pressures of perfection and develop healthy self-esteem based on self-knowledge and authenticity.
To do this, individual therapy focuses on helping to modify thought and behavior patterns, learn to set limits, decrease perfectionism, and encourage self-acceptance. And in the case of family therapy, it aims to promote an environment of support and acceptance by changing those dynamics that favor the good girl syndrome.
In conclusion, good girl syndrome is a complex phenomenon that can have a profound impact on the psychological well-being of girls and adolescents. It’s crucial to clarify that being a “good girl” isn’t inherently negative. Kindness, empathy, and a desire to do the right thing are valuable qualities. However, the problem arises when these qualities are taken to the extreme due to external demands, the constant need for approval, and the pressure to be perfect. Recognizing the symptoms, understanding the causes, and developing effective strategies to identify and treat this syndrome is essential to promoting positive mental health and the development of an authentic, resilient identity.
If you are familiar with good girl syndrome and need help to manage it, do not hesitate to contact us.
Laura Maymó Gallurt
Psychologist Col. Nº B-03427
